Crack of the Batman
by Android 25
Summary: Alfred Angry, Damien Catatonic, Dick in a Hazmat Suit, Tim missing, Bruce drinking coffee, what's going on? OOC Crack, enjoy.
1. FrankNBat

Authors Note- Take the title however you want, cocaine, ass, whatever, this is just to test the waters so to speak. So please enjoy.

Disclaimer- I own nothing but the storyline, if you can call it a storyline

* * *

Has anyone ever just sat and watched the sun rise as you drank a hot cup of coffee with nothing on your mind but the day ahead?

One such person was Bruce Wayne after his return from the 'dead'. All he did for the past week was sit on his veranda watching the sun. Morning newspaper in one hand coffee in the other, as the sky was lit with orange and reds. The only people he had interacted with on a daily basis was Alfred, Damian, Dick, and Tim. These conversations were about his 'nightly activities' since his return, about how they were effecting everyone in the house.

Alfred disapproved, Damian was too traumatized to notice much anymore, Dick just chalked it up to a sort of 'resurrection disease' and had taken steps to try and quarantine Bruce. Tim hasn't been seen for days, rumor has it that Stephanie Brown had kidnapped him. These of course were just rumors, no one believed the evidence, such as screams that echoed across the night as Tim disappeared.

"OH GOD, STOP…PLEASE DON'T DO THIS…HELP!" This of course, like all things in Gotham that had to do with screams for help, was ignored by the regular populace. Vigilantes were quoted as 'having nothing to do with the issues between Batgirl and Red Robin' unquote. But I'm getting off track, back to Bruce.

As he sipped from his coffee and read the paper, Alfred, backed up by a catatonic Damian being dragged by Dick in a Hazmat suit, walked up behind him holding a Burlap Sack Trademark, commonly used by criminals.

"Burlap Sack Trademark, the number one trusted item for the everyday common and uncommon criminal alike to get the job done. One such customer was asked on his opinion of the Burlap Sack Trademark." Bane standing in front of a green back drop held the Burlap Sack Trademark, with a resigned sigh he spoke with a monotone voice.

"The Burlap Sack Trademark is the best tool a criminal can have, why I myself use the Burlap Sack Trademark when robbing a bank or jewelry store. Trust me, does this look like face of a liar." Using his hand he pointed to his featureless Luchadore mask. Damn it I got to stop drifting off, from now on I'm going to use a Shock Collar Trademark to punish me whenever I get off topic.

Now as I was saying-

"Wait, that's it, I drove through six am LA traffic to film a simple commercial plug, and all I did was lie about how I liked a Burlap Sack." Bane was about to break into a rant before he was interrupted by a Stagehand.

"Actually its Burlap Sack Trademark, you have to say the Trademark." Bane roared in outrage before grabbing the Stagehand in both hands and breaking his back. He went on a rampage and knocked over a camera as screams of pain and terror echoed on the sound stage. A technical difficulties placard came up as a soothing orchestra piece started playing, in the background the screams continued.

Arggh I did it again, oh man this is going to hurt, *BZORK* GOD DAMMIT, I SINGED MY NOSE HAIRS. JUST GO BACK TO BRUCE WAYNE.

Hem-hem, as I was saying Bruce continued reading unknowing of the lurking danger behind him. With a speed belying his age Alfred quickly brought the sack down over the head and torso of Bruce who yelped in surprise, and with Dicks help they quickly sealed the Burlap Sack Trademark. By quickly I of course mean over a period of an hour as Bruce struggled, kicked, punched, and kneed in the acorns both Alfred and Dick. Damian just drooled in his governorship of the state of Catatonia, as an Austrian voice started yelling 'GET TO THE CHOPPA!" in his ear. With Bruce in his sack the two men, and borderline coma patient relaxed.

This was their second mistake, the first being putting the former Batman in a simple Burlap Sack Trademark. Bruce escaped from his Burlap Sack Trademark prison with a yell, before laying the smack down to both Alfred and Dick, while King Damien of South Catatonia dreamed a little dream of a tea party with Stephanie wearing nothing but an apron and Tim tied to a lit rocket. Within the span of another five hours they had caught Bruce once again in a Burlap Sack Trademark, after a merry chase across Gotham with a Boxer Clad Bruce imitating Braveheart complete with blue face paint and mooning the British. Wait cut that last part, there was no British involved in any manner.

_Android 25 would like to take this time to apologize to anyone from the U.K. for any offensive comments that he has made or would likely make during the making of this fic. Thank you and pip-pip cheerio, meat and tube edge, Big Ben and all that rubbish._

_The Staff of the Android 25 Insanity Cure Fund,_

_Thank You_

Great here we go-*BZORK* ARRGH WHAT THE HECK DOES BZORK MEAN AND WHY DO I TASTE BLUE!

To make sure Bruce wouldn't escape from the Burlap Sack Trademark, they used five extra, tied it with chains and lined the outermost Burlap Sack Trademark with Batonite, Batman's only weakness.

_We apologize the former writer of this fic was sacked and chucked in the Thames, the rest of this fic will continue with a clone of the former writer._

Bruce Wayne was trapped like a Moose stuck between an ugly female Moose during mating season and an Apple Pie.

_We apologize again, the clone has been shot by an execution squad along with the people responsible for sacking the former writer, and chucked into the Thames altogether. This fic will continue with the former writer who was rescued before he could sink to the bottom._

*BZORK* PLEASE STOP, I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE, I'M STARTING TO HEAR AUSTRIAN VOICES ASKING ME 'WHAT ARE YOU WATING FOR?'

Now we return to the programming that is already in progress.

"It was Old Man Jenkins all along, trying to drive us away from the cove to collect the gold doubloons left there long ago by Blackbeard." Said Fred as he unmasked the Blackbeard Pirate Ghost. On the other side of the Street an irate Alfred and Dick carried a Burlap Sack Trademark as they pulled Damien along with a leash. During the struggle Bruce had torn a hole in Dicks Hazmat suit so as a precaution Dick had covered the entire suit in Duct Tape, earning him the coveted Paranoid Overreaction Gold Medal. So people who saw him assumed he was some bargain basement villain and they were stopped thirteen times by police cruisers.

*WHOOP-WHOOP*

Fourteen times, Dick who was as mad as hell and can't take anymore just used magic fourth wall pixie dust to change the scene to an interrogation room with a bright light shining on Bruce, who was pouting, with Dick and Alfred watching from the other side of a two way mirror. They placed Damien in the corner after he started humming 'I love you, you love me'. Alfred turned to Dick and started speaking.

"Master Bruce must be stopped but I just don't have the presence that-"

"Nose goes!" Dick interrupted while touching his nose quickly. Alfred quickly touched his own nose, but was beaten to the punch by Damien who had the presence of mind to start picking his nose, yes, try getting that image out of your head. If you do, think about Granny Goodness in a thong, and try to get that image out of your head without vomiting and stabbing your own eyes out with the nearest sharp object.

"Fuck!" With a curse and a roar, Alfred stormed from the room. After gathering his wits and calm, Alfred entered the darkened interrogation room. Bruce had started counting dust particles in the air as he scratched his nuts…mixed nuts in a party bowl, man you guys are sick. Alfred sighed. "Master Bruce, we know what you've been doing at night." Bruce quickly spit up his legumes of delight, as his face shifted from fear to passiveness. "It's just not right what your doing to criminals, your own son even got caught in the crossfire, Dick has become incredibly paranoid, and no one knows where Tim went." At this time I would like to point out everyone knows where he is, Stephanie's place, they just don't care. "None of the criminals will ever recover, and some didn't even survive after twenty-four hours. For god sakes the Joker has stopped smiling and laughing all he ever does is cry and drool!" Bruce crossed his arms before petulantly replying.

"I have no idea what your talking about." Alfred almost tore his hair out in frustration. Reaching behind his back he removed a folder from nowhere and threw it on the desk. Whereupon it exploded open and pictures were scattered across the surface.

_Android 25 would like to apologize and forewarn the readers, of the graphic material ahead. Those of you with heart conditions and gag reflexes, please turn away, close your browser and rock back and forth in your seat. Those of you in perfect health prepare to catch Cancer, HIV/Aids, Influenza, the Bird Flu, and Polio all at once._

_The Staff of the Android 25 Insanity, Cancer, HIV/Aids, Influenza, Bird Flu, and Polio Cure Fund,_

_Thank You_

Each picture showed Bruce Wayne dressed as Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show going to see said move along with Pricilla, Queen of the Desert at a Double Feature Showing, except he was wearing the cowl of the Batman.

_**The End**_

Now I hope that image causes you to Bleach your brain and/or flame me. Because I need the flames to fuel my Fire of Destruction…Trademark. Good Night. Oh and I would also like to point out that I have nothing against these movies, hell I love Rocky Horror Picture Show, this was sort of a shout out to the movie. Besides this is all in good fun, nothing in this thing was serious. Except for maybe the moose, moose are always serious.


	2. The Adventure of Tim and Stephanie

_From the Desk of the President of the United States_

_My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart, and an even heavier conscience, that announce the Death of…my Sanity. My sanity had suffered many years of abuse and neglect before succumbing to the Common Cold. This a day that will live in infamy, as the day that the Leader of the Free World totally started tripping balls. Man this is some good shit. Good Night and A Happy St. Patrick's Day to Everyone._

_Android 25_

Sad but true, My insanity died March 4, 2011 11:59 PM, it had been showing the signs, but I ignored them. Now I regret that decision to let it play in the snow in its underwear on Christmas Morning. Even before the day in question my insanity had been going on vacations, having amassed years from working with me. Now I'll always miss him. Good Night sweet prince.

Now onto the reason you have suffered through that lengthy exposition, a New Chapter in the Crack of the Batman. Now I've decided to turn this into a collection of the Batman Universe on Crack. Please Enjoy

Disclaimer- I own nothing mention here but anything you have never seen before, and even then that's a little shaky.

* * *

Stephanie Brown, Batgirl, former Spoiler, Former Robin, had finally met an enemy she could not beat. Human Stupidity. But no fear, many a hero had fallen to that which has no brain. Look at Solomon Grundy, wait bad example. Anyway the stupidity Stephanie was facing had come in the form of Timothy Drake, Red Robin, former Robin, and one time Batman. Tim had come to her whining about Bruce Wayne, former Batman, and his brain bleaching hobbies, right in the middle of a case she was working while standing in the apartment of a Venom dealer. She did the only thing she could, tuned him out and nodded her head as she formulated a way to get out of the room.

Every avenue of escape was blocked, even the toilet was backed up, and the super wouldn't be there to fix it until morning. So in a bid for desperation she used the tried and true method of escape.

"What the hell is that!" Pointing just over his shoulder. Tim turned and at that moment she took her staff knocked him right in the back of the head. He dropped like a sack of oranges, out cold. When the adrenaline had worn off Stephanie realized what she had done, and using all her training, began to clean the crime scene. As she was finishing she heard groaning, Tim was waking up. Quickly she tied him up with a grappling line, just like a calf in a roping contest, and used a torn sheet to blind him.

As Tim came to, he realized three things.

One, for some reason he could taste green, weird taste.

Two, He was tied up.

And Three, He was blind.

"Oh god I'm blind, the knock to the back of the head must have permanently blinded me." Yeah…

The first thing that came to mind was Ras Al Ghul, but then he remembered Ras had died early in the week from a fatal drive-by slapping. Then he remembered Stephanie yelling about something just behind him, turning, and then this blinding pain in the back his head, before complete darkness. As Tim put everything together, his brilliant detective mind had come to only one conclusion.

"My evil twin from another universe quickly knocked Stephanie out after she had pointed him out, before sweeping behind me and hitting me square in the back of the head with his staff." Well…he got the staff part right. "Evil fiend unhand Stephanie and take me, I will protect me friend with everything I have."

Stephanie stared at Tim as he yelled into the green shag carpet, his words completely muffled by the 70's shag. She shook her head, suppressing a sigh before lifting the poor confused boy into a fireman's carry over her right shoulder. As Tim's face left the carpet he continued his speech.

"I will defeat you with every fiber of my being as soon as I escape, I will break you in half for the evil you have done. Then turn you in to the proper authorities." Stephanie not hearing the beginning of the speech thought he meant her. With her mind on assault charges, she didn't hear his next words. "Now let me go doppelganger, and fight man to man." Which was weird since he yelled it right into her ear. So she sort of panicked, and by panic I mean throw herself out the window hoping to escape. Forgetting of course that she was already carrying him. "OH GOD, STOP…PLEASE DON'T DO THIS…HELP!" Tim himself was panicking because he thought he was tossed out the window along with Stephanie.

Realizing mid-jump she still had Tim, Stephanie smacked herself in the forehead before using her grappling hook. Then realizing she had used the grappling hook line to tie up Tim, screamed in terror. Tim misunderstanding started yelling himself.

"Stephanie it's okay Dick and Damien will save us!" Before realizing what he had said. "Oh shit we're dead!" Stephanie using incredible speed quickly switched out the grappling hook ammo for a new one. She fired, and just three feet from the ground they jerked to a stop, causing Tim to fall from Stephanie's shoulder and crash to the ground. Stephanie quickly let the grappling line go and holstered the gun to check on Tim, he was out cold once more. With a sigh of relief she picked Tim up and reloaded her grappling gun before swinging to safety.

* * *

At her apartment she removed her mask, and quickly moved Tim to the closet in her bedroom before tying him to the chair. Then she bound, gagged him, and removed the blindfold, before closing the closet door, to give her time to think about how she was going to deal with this. She couldn't think in the same the apartment in which her victim is restrained. So she leapt to the window, crashing through the glass with a yell, ten seconds passed before she crashed through the next window over. She slapped herself in the forehead before grasping her mask from her kitchen counter and wearing it. With another cry she crashed through the window next window over sending shards of glass flying.

In the closet Tim awoke to complete darkness, the only light from a crack near the floor. He assumed it was the bottom of a door, and from that extrapolated that he was in a closet. So he started to panic, screaming and jerking around, and with one wrong move he fell backwards knocking himself out once more.

Now, everyone reading must be asking themselves, why the hell does he keep getting knocked out by a single blow to the head. Simple, Gilligan Island Syndrome. Others might be asking shouldn't he have brain damage by now. Answer, Maybe. Now shut the hell up and read the damn story.

Hours later Tim awoke, I made it hours because yes he is getting brain damage and I needed to move the story along a bit. This time though he kept his cool as he analyzed where he was and what had happened. Then he remembered the doppelganger, how the bastard had knocked him out and had taken him and Stephanie hostage. It was at that moment he realized Stephanie wasn't there, and more importantly he could see again. He whooped in triumph, thereby realizing he was now mute and could only grunt. The recent knock to the head must have given him back his vision but made him mute. Of course he forgot that he could see before he was knocked out.

Then he remembered Stephanie was gone, when he did he tried to untie himself, and realized he was at an angle with his head propping up his body against the wall. He groaned in frustration, he was at an angle his neck was in a weird position and his back was sore. He couldn't untie himself, he didn't have the leverage, and he couldn't reach the knot. All he could do was hope and pray for rescue from Dick and Damien. He groaned again when he realized what he had just thought, knowing that there was no hope.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Across town Stephanie had been captured by some bargain basement villain calling himself Radon. A Fat guy in a metal suit covered in radioactive warning stickers. Somehow he had captured Stephanie, I don't know how because I was covering the action with Tim. Anyway she was tied to a rocket built from scrap metal, and when she looked closely she could see he had used everything and the kitchen sink to build it.

"Now Batgirl with this rocket I will release a radioactive vapor cloud over Gotham causing one in ten people to suffer from hair loss. Bwahahahaha!" That's how he laughed, man what a maroon. By this point Stephanie had untied herself, and gave the idiot a savage beating. By the end of it Radon was nothing more than Spam in a can, and Stephanie had unleashed an incredible amount aggravation. She was now relaxed, but before she could move, she was struck upside the head by an overweight man in a green St. Patrick's Day shirt, black shorts, and white tennis shoes wielding an iron skillet.

She crashed to the ground and the man had disappeared leaving her laying on the ground.

* * *

Tim was ten out of a thousand bottles of beer on the wall when he heard a thump. He perked up, it was three days and he was hungry and bored, and someone was here. The door knob jiggled, before turning and opening revealing Stephanie holding an Ice Pack to her head. He yelled in joy and started crying in happiness, Stephanie removed the gag and as she opened her mouth he started speaking in a jubilant tone.

"Oh Stephanie, thank you, thank you, thank you." Stephanie paused before looking confused. "You rescued me from the evil clutches of my doppelganger from another universe." As Tim continued to sing her praises Stephanie had only one thing to say.

"Huh?"

* * *

A little piece of fiction tied into the Crack of the Batman, Please Read and Review. Tell me what you really think, because I know this is crap.


End file.
